Last Wednesday, I decided it was about time I got rid of my face and replaced it with something more appropriate. Once the idea entered my head, I got right to work making it happen.
I started by first removing my old face. Using my eyelids as a starting point, I methodically peeled all the skin off the front of my skull. I know it sounds horrifying, but it was actually not particularly unpleasant. It was not unlike peeling off a scab: a little bit ouchy, but for the most part it was a satisfying experience, although fairly tedious and time-consuming. I left the old skin pieces in a bowl on the kitchen table.
With no skin on my face, I felt all cold and stingy, so I decided to do something temporary while I was getting my new face together. Aluminum foil was the obvious choice. Soon I looked like someone participating in a low-budget science fiction television show, but at least I had some protection from the elements.
With my makeshift face in place, I put on my magical sneakers and walked down to the park, where I knew some face bushes to grow. I didn’t remember exactly where they were, so it took me a little while before I found them over by one of the picnic tables.
I was in luck, for there were several ripe faces to choose from. Incidentally, the ripening process of the fruit of the face bush is really fascinating. Maybe I’ll tell you about it sometime.
I spent about half an hour deciding which face to pick. I had it narrowed down to two pretty quickly, but making the final choice was agonizing. And, as it turned out, completely unnecessary. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Once I had made my choice, I pulled the aluminum foil away and tossed it aside. I planned to pick it up when I was finished. Then I removed the chosen face gently and carefully from the bush and pressed it into place. I was pretty happy at that moment.
But suddenly, I heard the skin of my new face give out a whistling hiss, and my heart sank as I realized what it meant. I had accidentally taken a face from an exploding face bush, which is a rare and deadly subspecies of the face bush. Virtually undetectable from the benign variety, a face from an exploding face bush explodes when put on.
Which is exactly what my new face did. My new face that I had spent so much time selecting. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have your face explode. I died pretty quickly. My only real regret, aside from picking the wrong face bush, was that I didn’t place my makeshift aluminum foil face in an appropriate receptacle prior to expiring.
You can’t win ’em all.
Ethan Abides 