Lightsaber Options

People talk about what color they want their lightsaber to be. That’s too limiting. Me, I want a lava lamp lightsaber. It’s not actually a lava lamp, of course. It’s just, the blade has blobs in it of a specific color that contrasts with the base color of the blade. These blobs don’t seem to be affected by the momentum of the blade as it is wielded. They simply travel languidly from the hilt to the tip and back, squeezing past each other, combining, splitting apart, etc. You know. The whole lava lamp thing. As a result of this, and to make room, my blade has a bigger diameter than your average lightsaber. This has no effect on the function.

So yeah. I have a lava lamp lightsaber. The question remains, what color? The blade is green, and the blobs are shiny black.

Man, now I want that lava lamp.

Or how about a snow globe lightsaber? For this one, the “snow” would be affected by the motion of the blade.

Rainbow lightsaber? Somebody would’ve had to have come up with a rainbow lightsaber. That’s pretty basic.

Nose Ring of Governmental Facility

Nose Ring of Governmental Facility
When you wear this nose ring, any interactions you have with government officials of any kind will be positive. They will be favorably disposed towards you, polite, friendly, and they will generally believe what you tell them. They will be as helpful as they are able without breaking rules. (Sometimes, they’ll even break rules for you. Usually not big ones, though.) However, they won’t stick their necks out too far for you. The Nose Ring of Governmental Facility only goes so far. It won’t magically make everything go your way in your dealings with government officials, but the interactions will be friendly, and they will genuinely try to help you.

About the Magic

I Will Suppress My Every Urge

Man, I feel good! A nice contrast from the post-Christmas depression I was having. We’re getting into hypomania territory. I better try to rein it in. You can suppress happiness in the exact same way you suppress any other emotion, such as anger. No, suppress isn’t the right word. You feel the emotion, you honor the emotion, and then the emotion obeys your commands.

It only goes so far, of course. Some emotions are strong enough that you simply won’t be able to bring them to heel. Then you just hang on for the ride, and try to suppress any dangerous urges that come up.

There’s a scene in “The Tick vs. Dinosaur Neil”, s01e03 of The Tick (1994), where Arthur is asking the Tick to “tone it down”. “I will suppress my every urge,” Tick replies. I’ve always been impressed by that line. I don’t know, it just sticks in my head, so I turned it into a strategy for coping with untreated mental illness. Some may wonder how suppressing your every urge could be a positive thing. Basically, when all your urges are doo-doo, it’s good to be able to just lie there in a fetal position and not do harm. (Fetal position is optional for advanced practitioners.)

So it’s bipolar disorder, right? So it makes you sad, but it also makes happiness dangerous and bad for you. (Hypomania is not technically happiness, but it sure feels like it.) I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m just rambling. The whole bipolar thing is a bummer.

Laundry Conveyor

Laundry Conveyor
This is a set of two items, actually. A clothes basket, and a dirty clothes hamper. Often these match and are visibly a set, but not always. Any set of clothes basket and hamper can be enchanted into a Laundry Conveyor, hence, Laundry Conveyors can look like any clothes basket and hamper. Maybe that was too many words for that idea. At any rate, let’s move on to the next paragraph and talk about what the Laundry Conveyor does.

It’s quite simple, really. Any laundry item that is placed in the hamper disappears, and shows up clean and folded in the bottom of the clothes basket a few seconds later. If there were already items in the clothes basket, the new items appear beneath them, pushing everything up as needed. The magic does what it can to keep the stack of laundry spread out and not piling up into one teetering spire of clean folded garments.

Basically, a dirty item placed in the hamper shows up in the clothes basket ready to wear in a matter of seconds. You don’t really need to talk this one up; people are usually pretty quickly on board. There are always questions, though.

What about delicates?
What about dry-clean?
What about ironing?

To which I can only say, “Shhh…” and then explain in the next paragraphs.

It’ll do delicates. However, the delicates might not do so well being pushed up under other clothes. Best to have the clothes basket empty, and do your delicates one at a time.

It’ll do dry-clean. It used to be an add-on you could get separately, but now it’s just included in most enchantments. Yes, your dry clean items will clean perfectly fine in the Laundry Conveyor. If it has the capability. It’ll say in the contract whether it has it or not. If you don’t have the contract, you can take it to a magic shop and they’ll be able to tell you. Usually for a fee.

It won’t do ironing. But there’s magic to keep the clothes as wrinkle-free as possible, so ironing isn’t usually needed. If you want steam creases and shit, yeah, you’ll have to get the iron out. But that was true whether or not the item was cleaned on the Laundry Conveyor.

About the Magic

Culture 31

“It is always nice to see you,”
Says the man behind the counter
To the woman who has come in
She is shaking her umbrella
And I look the other way
As they are kissing their hellos
And I’m pretending not to see them
And instead I pour the milk

— Suzanne Vega, “Tom’s Diner” (1987)

Diary Talk

Today, I became aware of an article in the Atlantic about diaries and their preservation. Not the diaries of famous people, but the diaries of the mundanes, the normal people, the nobodies. This is a topic of some interest to me, as I am a diarist myself. And a nobody. I mean, I got friends and family and shit, but I have little to no historical notoriety. I’ve been keeping a diary since October 2010; got about 3.5 million words. I’m absurdly proud of this fact. I try not to be insufferable about it. But how many people do you know who have written 3.5 million words in their entire lives? I did it in 12 years. And I’m still going.

Of course, I’m no Robert Shields. He’s the diarist who recorded 25 years of his life (1972-1997) in five-minute intervals. It’s estimated to be 37.5 million words. It takes me a few years to get a million. He was doing more than a million a year for 25 years. Unfortunately, his diary is evenly interspersed with somewhat revolting descriptions of peeing and pooping. ‘Cause he recorded everything. How do I know this? A few of the pages have become public. The rest of the diary is sealed until 50 years after Shields’s death. That’s 2057; I knew you’d be curious, so I looked it up.

He was married. His wife was named Grace. I’m wondering if he talked about sex the way he talked about peeing and pooping. Nothing like that in any of the pages I’ve seen. Maybe he didn’t have sex. Whatever. The man fascinates me. What would make a man wanna do that kinda thing? And he fucking committed to the bit for 25 years. Five-minute intervals. Now, obviously he didn’t sit down every five minutes and type out what was going on. He slept and stuff, and did stuff. He had a life. He had three kids. But he recorded his activities down to five-minute intervals.

Why did he stop? It wasn’t because he died, although he did die later. He had a stroke and couldn’t record the diary himself. So the plan was for his wife Grace to do the recording, and him to tell her what to record. This did not last, as Grace was like, “Fuck this.” Mind you, I don’t know how it went down. This is just my take based on what I’ve read online about the guy, which isn’t all that much.

Let’s bring it back around to me. I talk about mundane shit in my diary too. In a way, you could refer to me as “Shields Lite”. I record a lotta stuff, but I leave out the toilet trips, and it’s not every five minutes.

I consider my diary and related files to be extremely valuable. So the idea of sending it somewhere to be preserved is very appealing to me. And the article’s interesting too. It talks about the intrinsic value in these exceedingly personal objects. Although my diary isn’t in physical form, because fuck longhand. It’s all digital. That means it fits on a thumb drive, and is super easy to store. But maybe it lacks something that the handwritten stuff has to offer. I don’t know. Anyway, I hope they’ll take a thumb drive when the time comes to donate it. Whatever organization it ends up being. I had heard of the Great Diary Project, a UK organization mentioned in the article, and the article talks about Stateside institutions possibly being established.

Anyway, yeah. There’s some diary talk for you.

Pain Shower

Pain Shower
This is a small, colorful, jeweled doohickey. It will stick to most surfaces, and won’t come off until you pull it off again. Place the doohickey somewhere in your shower stall, and when you get under the water, it will wash physical pain away. Internal pain, external pain, all the same. Under the incredibly soothing waters of the pain shower, you will feel relief from all discomfort and pain. There are no side effects.

The water will make you clean, also, like any normal shower. When you get out of the shower, you will be pain-free for a while, and then the pain will slowly return over the course of a few hours. At any point, you may take another pain shower and enjoy the same relief.

About the Magic