Dialogs May 2021

I think you know why I’m afraid.

Excuse me? My emotional needs are not being met here.

You know, I was trying to show off. I was not trying to be silly.

Fucking piece of shit asshole motherfucker.

You are speaking to me very disparagingly, and I want you to stop it.

The falling action aeriates the flakes. That’s part of the genius of the design.

I’m not going to tell you if she hasn’t told you.

You’re not okay. Do you need help?

Tell me why you feel this way.

Yeah, sorry about that; I was fucked in the head.

That’s right! It’s me!

If you’re not proud of what you’ve done, you should be. In my opinion.

I was confused in a special way.

I am sensing an adversarial tone in your manner and bearing.

If that turns out to be the case I’ll be stunned and amazed.

No-one has ever asked me that before.

You’re making the world a better place.

You are telling me to buy less clothes. You.

I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up in the car just now with you shaking me.

You and I both know you play it loose with the truth sometimes.

I read it before I even knew I was looking at it.

The first person to shoot themselves in the face gets the penny.

Do you think this is the question?

Okay, well, I don’t give a shit what you think.

Because I’m crazy.

Everything went sideways. My life is complicated.

All wolves are dogs. But not all dogs are wolves.

Nobody does ’em like me. Nobody.

Nobody’s thinking that but you, man.

I’m going to fuck you in the teeth with a ball-peen hammer.

I’m no longer capable of enjoying the activities that made me famous.

There’s no story; it’s just lube. I use it for lubricative purposes.

Oh, c’mon, everybody’s thinking it. Let’s get it on out there.

You’re gonna hafta start making some sense, man.

They know who they are. That’s enough for me.

I want to watch them think it.

I think you guys have the stuff to do it.

It’s not actually damaging the tissue.

Just answer the fucking question. What the fuck year is it?

You’ve been taking your mind away.

I’m not cheating, and I have no mystical powers. It was just a coincidence.

This conversation is pointless, and I shall have no more of it.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs April 2021

With all due respect, you don’t know me. So I need you to stop making dumbass assumptions that don’t apply.

I could tell that they were good, but I don’t like what it is.

When their fist smashed into my face, I came.

Here’s an extra twenty for being honest.

Everything was fucked up. It was exhausting.

I take back scratching very seriously.

I don’t understand. Please teach me so that I may understand.

I like the way you taste.

It’s obviously okay.

At that moment, I had to know, and so I found out the only way I could.

Basically, it said, “Yep! I’m gonna die. This is your warning.”

We have to manufacture an identity.

We will settle these insults on the field of unfair combat.

No, I’m sorry. I spoke too boldly.

You fucking tested me. Fuck you. Don’t fucking test me.

Are those for me?

Dude, I didn’t do it for you. _I_ wanted to write that.

Y’all are interfacing with something other than me, and I will not be a party to it.

Cut your dick off. Now.

I don’t know what to tell you, bud. Call somebody else, I guess. Sorry.

I really wish I could help, but I don’t wish hard enough.

I’m so sorry. I hope you know that if there’s something I can do, I’ll do it.

In the past eight years, you haven’t picked up on that?

I’m gonna go to the room.

Yes, well, you would say that, wouldn’t you?

This is getting a little too personal. Can we please get back to the book?

There are times when thinking about clawing your own face off is particularly unsettling.

Why are you yelling at me?

I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I forgot what location we were talking about.

Well, you have your assignments. Go work and get the fuck out of my face.

I can’t stop touching you.

I don’t mind that you think that.

That’s not really up to you, is it?

No, ice cream is frozen; that’s extremely valuable.

What planet do you live on that that is even feasible?

He is immune to all the catastrophes of life.

It was a mutual fuck-up, but ultimately, I think the blame lies with me.

Yeah, but that’s a hard line. That’s a hard line, man.

You shouldn’t be talking to me.

Excuse me? You will not rebuke me for following your fucking orders.

I know why you’re here. Do us both a favor and keep your fucking mouth shut.

I will kill you in the face.

I’m trying to figure out why you would think I would think that was funny.

No, that’s not going to work. I need teeth.

It can’t hold up all of its weight, but it can hold up some.

Okay, obviously I didn’t know that.

One more remark like that, and I’ll punch you until you cease to exist.

I could eat this entire spread by myself in an hour. All of it.

Whoa, whoa! Let’s take it slow and low.

There are changes in my bearing if I want to have sex with you.

That’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

So basically, you’re a seething termite column of resentment. Now we’re getting somewhere.

I promise to do things that you like.

It was like falling into a hog manure lagoon.

You know that’s a person, right? You’re gonna hurt his feelings.

I don’t care if she’s got an Instamatic!

Don’t play for it, you fool!

You are damaging the relationship every single time you take that tone with her. You are damaging the relationship.

Are you going to say something to hurt me?

Do what you gotta do, man; I don’t give a shit.

My problems are gonna be over. All of them will be gone.

Is that what you think this is about?

When the time comes, I’m not going to politely avert my eyes.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs March 2021

You never had that money. If you didn’t sell, you never had it.

That’s like licking an alligator’s butthole.

A man who drinks like you drink is going to die. Please don’t die.

Please remove the hokey-ass transitions.

I have no time for your noisy diseases.

Well, that’s incredibly shitty, and I wish you hadn’t told me that.

The jury has found you guilty of being a pindlybop. This is very confusing.

I wasn’t committed to anything. I didn’t know how to be committed to things.

Well, that was when we didn’t know. A lot has happened between the time we didn’t know and the time we did.

Yeah? So what? It’s your daughter. See your fucking daughter.

You’re all such wonderful friends.

Let’s not make this about this.

Look, if I ask you to take off your clothes and make it look good, you’re not going to be able to do it.

Maybe she wasn’t lying. Maybe I was actually awful.

If he didn’t mean it, he’s making that joke.

I try to be cool. But I’m not cool.

I want you to be okay. Will you please be okay?

I’m sorry, I thought we were showing each other our supplements.

Do you think I’m on drugs? I’m not; I’m just crazy.

It wasn’t premeditated; it was a math error!

We know it’s because you don’t love him.

Well, I’m already an idiot in your estimation; what’s the point of talking more?

Oh, honey, I didn’t say that. I didn’t say those things.

Sorry, I know how much you enjoy stringing me along, but I just can’t put up with it right now.

It’s just change, but I’m still winning.

Anybody else wanna say something?

You don’t like the fucking shit I say?

Show me the respect to tell me what’s up.

I don’t want to say it’s beautiful. Say it’s graceful instead.

Do you want this to be the thing that makes it so we don’t hang out anymore?

So if I seem a bit spiky, I am, but that’s not directed at you.

That didn’t happen in this dimension. But it did happen in a dimension.

Whatever it is you’re doing, stop it.

I want to squeeze you into a ball and stick you in my armpit.

No, it’s not stupid; you just didn’t understand it.

Watch your mouth, or every person in this building will die by my hand.

I’m kidding. They should be out any minute.

Yeah, well, I don’t like going to the store with you.

Please don’t hurt me; it was an honest mistake.

I’m a hermit. It’s not gainful employment, but it is employment.

Let me guess: you were a teenager when you wrote that.

Yeah, I know, I just wanted you to yell at me.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs February 2021

Granted, there’s not much to talk about.

I’m not very happy with you right now.

You know, it’s a fair point, but I never asked the woman for proof. I took her at her word.

Why don’t you go and think about it, and then continue to stay far away after that.

Nothing you can say will ever convince me that I am wrong.

I fucking live here. Of _course_ I know what the sounds are.

Please relax. We already know who and where you are. We are sending a car to your location.

What you’re asking is fucked up.

I think I’m understandably angry.

Yeah, untreated mental illness is hilarious.

Oh. Well, I guess I’d better go to the bathroom then.

It is, in fact, blood. Human blood.

I’m offended that you would make that assumption.

Oh, I absolutely, um, I absolutely… Yeah, that’s me.

We don’t have to ask deep, probing personal questions. I just wanna hang out.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

You’re operating under the assumption that I don’t know what’s going on. That is an erroneous assumption.

Call me when you’re IBM, okay buddy?

Guys, you can get it all back.

I’m not going to tell you that. That’s a little too personal for where we are in our relationship.

I just pretend they’re the kids from school.

Nothing ever goes wrong with magic.

You know, I really wish I hadn’t seen that.

That was fucking cartoonish, man; that was epic.

It’s not fresh outta the curing jar, you know what I mean?

I don’t wanna be awake!

I like the way you move. You’re so decisive, yet you are asking permission.

The world thanks you.

This is fucking ridiculous. This is not happening.

Can you quiet down? I’m trying to sleep.

Don’t flatter yourself; I’m not doing this for you.

I don’t wanna fucking hear that; it’s extremely disturbing to me.

Okay, I feel uncomfortable, and I want you to tell me why I feel uncomfortable.

I’m sorry; I did the thing where I talk.

Oh, great, fatass breaks the chair, excellent.

Nobody’s gonna pay me for mowing my own lawn.

He did not hire us. We’re his friends.

You are so completely full of shit.

You can talk. Ah, that makes it so much easier.

Tell me what color my underwear is.

That was my first clue-in that people aren’t like me.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs January 2021

Ah, no. That was a joking, sarcasm kind of a thing.

No, it’s not. It hasn’t been fair for a very long time.

The way you love her is wrong.

Okay, so, we’re aware of the fact that “bimbo” literally means “prostitute”, yeah?

I don’t know. Maybe I fucked something up really badly. How can I know?

That’s a stupid opinion and you shouldn’t entertain it.

Don’t you dare presume to judge me. You have no idea what this cat means to me.

Obviously they’re not superhuman!

This is merely a stepping stone in your path to glory.

I don’t want to remember that.

I talk like a freak, I know. But I’m not a freak. I’m just a person who talks like a freak.

Does it turn on you and strangle you if you lie about something, or whatever?

Oh! Totally over here.

It’s gross. It pisses you off, it’s so gross.

It’s a good thing I was just joking.

I don’t know what the plan is going forward. I do know that there’s one in the sink.

All I ask is that you do what I ask.

If you beat the stuffing out of them, some stuffing will get in the atmosphere.

You know how it is. You see something you like, you wanna keep seeing it.

Doesn’t seem outlandish to me. If you feel weird about it, you can take her to the vet.

Gentlemen! What a great pleasure it is to be in your presence once again.

If you don’t want to get laughed at, don’t do anything stupid.

You are a force for good in the universe, which is its own reward.

Now you’re eyeing me like I’m some kind of reprehensible shithead?

I appreciate the rigor with which you’re approaching this question, but it’s just a throwaway joke.

I picture Love puking all over the singer.

This will distract you during your pain.

It’s okay. You don’t have to do it, and I’m not angry.

That came out of me? I think I’m going out of my mind.

Acting out was the only way I could get the pain to stop.

I’m just a badass, I guess.

Hey, you fucking eat me, you’re gonna fucking know about it.

I’m glad I could brighten your day.

Those may be your goals; they’re not mine.

It’s okay, honey; just go.

Look, I’m just not as lucky as you. Can’t everybody be as lucky as you, now can they?

Christ, they’re everywhere! Burn everything, just burn everything!

Yours is a comforting presence.

Whether it’s just in my mind, or something actually happening, I feel it.

Those two stories have one and only one common factor.

You’re just jealous ’cause I figured it out first.

That’s a disturbingly good point.

No, the truth is, you’re a fucking simpleton.

You can tell the appropriate people.

I’ll just put it this way: The world wouldn’t be worse off if they hadn’t bothered.

You don’t get extra credit for stating the obvious.

Jesus Christ, dude. Handle your shit.

It’s over an hour late, but it is still warm.

I don’t want that. Don’t say that again.

He died very boringly, I hear.

Never mind; it’s gone.

How could it all have been my choice?

I love you all, but I can’t be with you like this.

I’m not going to tell you. It’s too embarrassing.

I’d love an explanation of what just happened.

It’s not a big deal; I’m just crazy.

Conversation is organic. You can’t just turn it on like a faucet.

It’s not creepy, it’s not wrong, it’s not bad — but I can’t prove that.

You cannot prevent that. And in trying to prevent it, you may make it worse.

People who say “whangdoodle” are usually well aware of what they’re up to.

It’s true you have a beautiful nose. But I don’t want to see it right now.

I can’t compete with you for meanness and cruelty.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs December 2020

What possible reason could you have for interrupting my meal?

Plaster women with their heads on fire really do it for me, you know.

I said those things because I was hurting, and I hate that I hurt you.

Stop treating me like I did it.

Your profile is beautifully crafted and deeply moving, by the way.

It was always easier not to.

I’m having a bad day, and I took it out on you, and I’m sorry.

Man, you don’t know my situation. Don’t make jokes.

Will you please slow down?

The shit can be seen to move, even from a very great distance away.

Sometimes you wanna kick downwards.

Are you bothered about the potential sexual implications? Don’t be.

You’re just jealous ’cause I figured it out before you did.

How about you fucking don’t call her that?

You people need fucking hobbies.

You got anything better to do right now?

Sexually, she just doesn’t exist.

I can’t do the homework because I am fucked up.

Seven fucking sixty-fucking-fourths.

It’s not your fault. I’m fucked in the head.

I wasn’t aware that it was a fucking competition.

It is possible that I already knew that.

If it were me, and I could do this, I would do it.

Imagine being the person doing that.

I don’t know what you think is happening here, but I don’t think you’ve got it.

You have a lovely nose. But I don’t want to see it right now.

Dude, whatever happened, you’re making it worse.

If I make someone’s life better, then my life is not empty.

Fuck you; I’m an American.

If you don’t like the Doors, that’s fine. But don’t try to say their music is bad; that just makes you an idiot.

Your voice reminds me of a bucket of urine being dumped unceremoniously onto hot asphalt.

When you go to do something to do, you do it in style.

Our relationship was problematic.

One part is truth, and the other part is a lie.

Remind me not to have any dealings with you.

As do all intelligent people.

In the past, you could hurt me. Now you’re just pathetic.

I suggest you not give me shit for following your fucking orders.

You’d be sitting there, and then, wump! Cat!

No, that’s stupid and weird.

He did it. The decision was made before I intervened.

Am I inappropriately touching you?

What is the liquid running down my side?

Of course cancer trumps everything; it’s fucking cancer!

Somebody tell me to shut up. I can’t stop talking.

I don’t know. I don’t understand why you asked me that.

I would take the cap off the bottle and throw it away.

I just wanted to get rid of it. I’ve got cheese for brains.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs November 2020

Yeah, this isn’t gonna be like that. I hope that’s okay.

Why don’t you just go fail me.

Are you kidding me? This is the highlight of my year.

Do you wish to be verbally abused?

Picture not being able to.

Especially since I don’t even remember.

You remember this omelet with some fondness.

You told me to do that.

The shit you care about doesn’t matter.

I’m just fucking getting into it, man. Where’s the harm in that?

I like the taste because I know what it means.

Shall we acknowledge the weirdness of this situation?

I’m sorry I killed you.

Nothing you say will convince me to stop cleaning my ears.

Okay, yeah, what’s the real reason?

My internal monologue is more sophisticated than my external communication.

No, you’re going to sit here and watch me be angry.

Why am I talking? I’m going to stop.

I know what that means, and I wish it for you.

Yeah, show me what a big tough man you are.

I’m trying to make it easy on you, man.

I ate them. They were good.

Everything I did, I did because I was fucking crazy.

I will tell you. I just have to get ready for it.

Alright, you got me. I’ll stop repeating myself.

In all these issues, the solution ends up being an ale tankard full of tuna salad.

I am so, so sorry. I have a problem.

My contempt for you is galactic in scope.

I wasn’t contesting your portioning. I was confirming the amount.

I’m gonna be perfectly honest with you: I fucking love it.

Before we go any further, I should tell you: I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

Hold on, I didn’t realize that that was a factor. That changes everything. Will you come back over here, and we can talk about it?

Show me out. I have nothing to offer you.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs October 2020

I say this with love: if you reflect, I believe you’ll realize that you’re being a fucking asshole.

I want to do whatever it takes to preserve the relationship.

I’m not going to fucking talk about it, so why don’t you not fucking talk about it, and we can talk about something else?

That breaks the contract.

Shouldn’t you try anyway, just in case?

Those people have chips on their shoulders, man. Chips the size of Winnebagos.

If I help you, you will serve me.

You don’t wanna just hurl your genitals at somebody.

I’m trying to help you. I’m not trying to fuck you.

I thought it would be funny.

It’s a simple exchange of favors. I won’t even charge you.

I’m sorry, I can’t stop talking for some reason.

That is in no way enticing whatsoever.

I would eat a block of tofu in a heartbeat.

I acted inappropriately, and you were like, “Yeah, let’s do that.”

Don’t gimme any shit, you patriarchal son of a bitch.

You made it as long and painful as possible, so thanks for that.

Like I’d tell you if I did?

Can I see your gun for a second?

You know, we should postpone this discussion, because if we don’t, you’re going to be embarrassed about the things you said.

I’m okay with everybody knowing about it, but I’m not okay with talking about it in front of everybody.

You have thoughts, but you know nothing.

Put ‘er there, pal! You’re doing a heck of a job!

Well, he had me dead to rights, so I figured, why not make it fun?

I can not do it.

As to what happened next, well, I can’t really talk about it. It was profound.

It’s gonna mean to you what it means to you. That’s not my fault.

I thought I was going to die. You know how kids are.

I’m sorry. Sorry that I couldn’t be perfect. It’s all my fault; I loused everything up.

My pain isn’t spectacular enough.

I don’t have a cause; I have an apartment, and you’re in it!

If you don’t love her, all bets are off.

Do you got it, or do I need to repeat it more?

Yeah, you can never forget I said that.

Well, you know, yelling at me is gonna make the situation all better.

And you think you know why, but you don’t know, so don’t fucking think that.

I don’t know anything. I don’t know anything.

Wow, thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt.

Don’t foist your bullshit on me.

I think you’re forgetting that I grabbed you by the throat earlier.

Something just happened to everyone except me, didn’t it?

That doesn’t mean it’s not appealing. It is quite appealing, in point of fact. But man, it’s terrible.

You must have brains made of shit.

Let’s cool down; we’ll talk about it tomorrow, and I’ll love you then as I do now.

I’ll bet that’s gonna be important later.

That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs February 2020

He’s not gonna fuck up something basic like that.

Seems to me I should eat a kleenex box full of poppy seeds.

He always did his best, with full knowledge that it would never be enough.

Stay calm. Keep your cool. I can fix it.

It didn’t seem like a big deal. I wish I could explain what I felt.

And I’m looking at him, and for the first time it dawns on me that he’s gonna do it.

Why don’t you let up on that a little bit and try to play it cool?

Can I put it in the cubby in the door instead?

The wrong tomato can ruin a burger. But the right tomato can make a burger.

So what’s going on, you crazy kids?

Son, you need to go away.

Please, do not do that.

You’ve marinaded in your feelings and experiences. Now you need to shape them. You start by shaping your thoughts.

I humbly suggest you chill your fucking ass out.

We need to buy a cake the size of the moon.

I don’t know what to say. Thanks, I guess?

If I want to tell you, I’ll fucking tell you. I’m not going to beat around the bush.

I’m just living my truth, man.

If we talk about it, you’ll have questions and opinions. And I don’t care about either of those things.

I’m a little weirded out by your response, to be perfectly honest.

I like to have my shit planned out to some degree.

Whoa, get it together, man. You’re better than this.

Of course I still want it. Now I want it even more than I did before.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

You have failed me so egregiously that I cannot forgive you.

We just threw that in for the Christians.

I’m not angry. I’m not disappointed. I love you. But I’ll deal with the finances from here on out.

About the Dialogs

Dialogs January 2020

Oh, um, I’m smart, so you probably don’t want to talk to me.

Stop pissing on my entertainment, fuckface.

What the fuck is the matter with you? Wait, let me rephrase that: there’s something wrong with you.

Nope nope nope.

Spark rice face? I’m guessing that wasn’t it.

I can’t just make shit up; we have to work together on this.

I’m not going to tell you; stop asking.

Your point of view is valid. But it’s not the only valid point of view.

I’ve got nothing to do with it. It’s all you.

So you’re saying you’re not willing to do that because I might want you to.

I didn’t stop.

I don’t have a job, but I do have a career.

Do you have a lobster on your head?

Are you afraid? if you are, I can fix that.

No, no, I’m just being conversational. I don’t mean to imply anything.

You don’t talk to me like that. You don’t talk to anybody like that.

I just hope you have someone to take care of you.

I will never ask again.

No dice, chicken rice.

I don’t either. But this room isn’t going to look at it that way.

Here he comes. He looks hellbent on fucking something up.

About the Dialogs