Magic Snow Shovel

Magic Snow Shovel
Item
This snow shovel will shovel snow as if wielded by a person, but there’s no person. You can just send it out, and it’ll do your driveway, walks, porches, steps, and whatever else you specify. When it has finished, it then returns to its place, wherever that may be. I keep mine on the back porch. If someone or something tries to interfere with the shovel while it is working, it will simply move evasively until whatever it is goes away, and then the shovel will continue shoveling.

Flying Backpack of Love

Flying Backpack of Love
Item
This is a fairly nondescript canvas backpack. They are usually some shade of navy blue, but they can be of any colored cloth. The only clue to the backpack’s nature is a small insignia on the main flap. The insignia is of silver-colored metal and shows a stylized jet airplane from above. The backpack can be used to carry things around just like a normal backpack. But when you wear the backpack, and you think thoughts of love, and you feel the love in your heart, the backpack confers on the wearer a levitation ability.

This levitation ability allows the wearer to move around, up, down, forwards, backwards, sideways, upside-down, in any direction desired. The advantage the backpack has over the Levitate spell is, it can go faster. Much, much, faster. The Levitate spell allows you to move as fast as you can run. The Flying Backpack of Love allows you to move as fast as a jet. You don’t have to go that fast, of course. But if you do, you’ll want to wear protective clothing.

The backpack will only confer the levitation ability when you have love in your heart. Should you lose touch with the love in your heart whilst airborne, The backpack will not let you fall to your death. It will float downwards and deposit you gently on the ground. That’s assuming there was ground below you when you lost the love. If you lose the love over water, or some other kind of hazard, you may have a problem. Look deep within yourself. Find your love. Open your heart. You will fly again.

Obviously, those incapable of feeling pure love in their heart will be unable to use the backpack. Well, I mean, they can use it. But it won’t let them fly.

About the Magic

Wand of Hysterectomy

Wand of Hysterectomy
Item
This is a wooden wand traditionally made of elm, though other woods are also used. When activated with the keyword, an azure ray extends from the tip. When the ray is trained on the lower abdomen of a human, it will cause any uterus that may be present in said human to rapidly shrink away into nothing. Along with ovaries, Fallopian tubes, etc. All the reproductive shit shrinks and winks out of existence in the space of about thirty seconds. The target cannot feel this happening. When the process is complete, the magic will make both the target and the wielder of the wand (if they are not the same person) aware that it has indeed happened, and the target is now uterus-free. There will be no negative consequences if the ray continues to be trained on the target after the uterus is gone; without the presence of a uterus, the ray has no effect.

If for some reason the ray is moved so that it no longer points to the target, and the uterus has not yet winked out, the uterus will simply grow back over the course of a minute or two. As with the shrinking, this cannot be felt. At any time, the ray can be pointed at the target and the shrinking process will begin again. Playing “yo-yo uterus” in this way is not advised.

Once completed, the procedure is reversible, but this requires the person to take 13 potions (all of which are not delicious and very expensive) over a course of three months. All of the potions must be taken at precisely the proper time and in the correct order for it to work. During this period, the reproductive organs will slowly grow back. There will likely be some discomfort from cramping during the period of regrowth. Once the regimen is completed after three months, the reproductive system will be fully restored and functional again. But beware: if a dose is missed or taken out of sequence, the magic will fail and the process cannot be attempted again. In these cases, it is advisable that the incomplete uterus be removed again with the Wand of Hysterectomy.

You cannot shrink the uterus of a person who does not consent to it. The way this works is, the magic makes the target aware of what will happen. At this point the target can refuse consent, and the ray will have no effect. If consent cannot be given due to unconsciousness, intoxication, immaturity, or for any other reason, the wand simply will not work. The magic figures this all out, and it is infallible. For great justice.

In the old days, Wands of Hysterectomy did not have the consent clause built-in, and this caused considerable strife and heartache. Fortunately, the Consensual Magic Act of 1962 made non-consent Wands of Hysterectomy illegal to produce or possess. As a result, they have become rarer and rarer. They can still be found for sale on the black market occasionally, at exorbitant asking prices, but most of them have been destroyed at this point.

About the Magic

Pebble of Sustenance

Pebble of Sustenance
Item
This is a small, smooth, round pebble of many vibrant and swirling colors. Swallow the pebble, and it sits in your stomach and nutritionally sustains you, obviating the need to eat. We’re talking complete nutrition. With just a pebble, you will have the healthiest diet possible. For about a month. But the pebble’s lifespan can be lengthened by supplementing it with food. Basically, if you eat, the pebble isn’t called upon to fulfill its purpose, but if you happen to go without food for some reason, it’ll be about a month before you start to starve. At which point, if you’ve got one, you can go ahead and take another pebble as if it were a Tylenol or whatever the fuck. And you can stop and start eating at any time. So a pebble acts as a stopgap measure when you can’t have food.

Only one pebble can be in your stomach at a time. If you swallow a new pebble before the old one is depleted, you’ll just hack the new one back up, somewhat uncomfortably. As long as you don’t accidentally lose it, a pebble can be coughed up multiple times and still be good when it eventually “takes”. Stop trying to swallow it too soon, yeah?

The pebble doesn’t quench thirst. So you’ll definitely die without water. You won’t be hungry, though.

The pebble slowly dissolves in your stomach, so the stone won’t pass through your system intact.

When you are carrying a pebble of sustenance in your stomach, your appetite is unaffected by the presence of the pebble. So it doesn’t feel weird to eat, even though the pebble is nutritionally sustaining you. It’s magic. It just works.

About the Magic

Clean Dwelling

Clean Dwelling
Spell
This spell magically cleans a house, apartment, room, living area. Sweep, dust, tidy, scrub, air out, etc. Get everything neat, clean, and sparkly. Not literally sparkly, you know what I mean. Also cleans everything in the house. Laundry, bedding, dishes, furnishings, appliances, windows, window treatments, pet cages/litter boxes, fireplace, closets, basement, attic. All that and more. Note, however, that only the interior is cleaned. You’ll need to use another method to clean the exterior of the dwelling.

About the Magic

Sleeping Powder

Sleeping Powder
Item
Sprinkle a pinch or two of this forest green powder over your bed before you get in it to sleep. Provided you can get to sleep, your sleep will be fully and completely rejuvenating. Upon awaking, you will feel incredibly well rested and ready to take on the ensuing period of awakeness. “Lie down in sleeping powder, stand up a new person,” is the saying. You don’t have to sleep very long to reap the benefits of the sleeping powder. Provided you sleep at least 15 minutes or so, you’ll get the full effects.

Sleeping powder can be used to “reset” acquired immunity to Bottled Sleep.

About the Magic

Caring Pot

Caring Pot
Body modification
First things first: “Pot” is short for potentiometer. Which is basically a volume knob. The Caring Pot is a volume knob for your feelings. It is a potentiometer that gets fused with your body. Little knob sticking out that you can turn. When the pot is first installed, you decide where on your body it goes. A popular choice is behind the left ear. Once installed, the Caring Pot works and can be used immediately.

What it does. So, when you think about a concept, you can use the Caring Pot to increase or decrease the degree to which you care about that concept. You can do this for any number of concepts. The Caring Pot allows you to effectively manage your feelings without all the messy thinking and knowing.

Many people opt to have a Caring Pot installed after a bad breakup.

About the Magic

Blam Hammer

Blam Hammer
Item
This is a hammer, a mallet, really, with cartoonish dimensions and proportions. In use, it is no more heavy and unwieldy than a gavel. You use it to smash things. The sound it makes is, “Blam!” Whatever it hits is destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces. Unless that something is alive, in which case it deals damage like a “normal” big-ass mallet. This will probably still kill whatever it is, but it won’t be destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces.

The Blam Hammer will never accidentally destroy something you don’t want destroyed. So if you’re aiming for the priceless figurine and accidentally hit your phone instead, it’ll be okay. Well, I mean, it won’t be destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces. The hammer might still damage whatever it hits. In the case of your phone, damage seems likely. But the Blam Hammer will only blam something if you want it to.

About the Magic