Mailbox Filter

Mailbox Filter
Item
This is to all observations a standard mailbox. But it serves a special function. Any mail that gets put in the mailbox that you don’t want, the mailbox makes it disappear before you even see it. The mailbox knows what you want and don’t want because it’s magic. Any mail you would actually want to open gets passed along. All the junk and unwanted correspondence disappears without a trace.

About the Magic

Happy Pills

Happy Pills
Item
These are white pills. They look like plain, unmarked aspirin tablets. Take a pill, and you will be suffused with satisfaction. Satisfaction at your lot and station, satisfaction with your relationships, social standing, finances, possessions, career, living situation, productivity, and more. For you, for a duration of about four hours on average, the pursuit of happiness will have successfully concluded.

There are no negative side effects. When the effect wears off, it does so gently, so that you are not abruptly less happy. You notice the effect lessening, and then after a few more minutes, you feel normal again. While it may be tempting to immediately take another happy pill, you can only take two pills in a 24 hour period. One after sunrise, and one after sunset. If you take any more pills than that, they will have no effect.

Of course, if you take a pill just before sunrise (having not yet taken one after the preceding sunset), you can take a pill right after you come down from that. Many people do this, because yeah, why wouldn’t you? Eight hours of pure happiness, are you kidding me? Incidentally, you can’t double up the pills before and after sunrise or sunset and get super ultra extra mega happy. The second pill will simply have no effect.

Also incidentally, being suffused with satisfaction does not spoil you for everyday living. Happiness doesn’t work that way. At least not in my experience.

It’s also important to note that the happy pills do not turn you into a happy zombie or anything. You will not be physically or mentally impaired in any way, and you can get on with your day while under the effects. I mean, if you want to, you can just chill and do nothing but bask. But nothing in the pill’s effects will encourage or discourage activity. You can just do what you want. As well, your personality will be unmodified. You’ll still be you. You’ll just be suffused with satisfaction.

About the Magic

Three Personal Hygiene Spells/Items

Cleanse Person
Spell
May be cast on yourself or another person or animal. The target becomes super squeaky clean. In a healthy way. No dried-out skin or brittle hair or anything like that. Will not clean teeth. For that, you’ll want the Oral Cleanse spell.

Oral Cleanse
Spell
Cast on yourself or another person or animal. The target’s mouth, including tongue, teeth, gums, etc. becomes very clean and pleasant smelling/tasting. Won’t do dental work or fix cavities or anything. For that, you need Mouthwash of Dentistry.

Mouthwash of Dentistry
Item
This is a dark green clear liquid that usually comes in a small bottle. It tastes about how you would expect mouthwash to taste — harsh and vaguely minty. When swished around the mouth for thirty seconds, this mouthwash will treat/cure any “diseases, disorders, and conditions of the oral cavity, commonly in the dentition as well as the oral mucosa, and of adjacent and related structures and tissues, particularly in associated maxillofacial area.” (Wikipedia) Cavities, missing teeth, toothaches, gum disease, oral cancer, you name it. It gets fixed. Where there were problems can now only be found healthy teeth and gums, and all that other stuff listed in the Wikipedia quote is healthy too.

Depending on the severity of the problem(s), and the patient’s own idiosyncratic physiology, sometimes multiple doses need to be swished to completely fix everything. But you have to wait at least 12 hours between applications.

About the Magic

Time Out

Time Out
Spell
You cast the spell, and it sucks you out of the world and out of time. Everything goes black instantly, as though a big bag were put over your head. You lose consciousness.

You awake on a bed. It’s an Alaska king. Which is a mattress that is nine feet square. It’s an actual thing; you can buy them from multiple sources. But never mind the bed for now. You are in the House. The House is in an extradimensional space outside of the world. For you see, from your point of view, time has stopped in the world, and you are getting extra time in the House. You are most fortunate.

The House always has a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen/dinette, and a living room. There may be other rooms; each House is different. All rooms are fully furnished and fixtured. It’s like the coziest place you can imagine, and it’s clean. It’s difficult to offer a blanket description of the shit because it’s different for each person. Suffice to say, the House suits your tastes perfectly, and it is a place you can really enjoy staying in. So it may or may not be nice or luxurious or whatever, but you’re gonna like it. The magic makes it work. Nice, isn’t it?

Everything is stocked. The kitchen has the food and gear you need to feed yourself. The living room has everything you need in order to do the things you like to do in a living room. Same with the bedroom and the bathroom. All your rigmarole in all the areas of your life can be tended to seamlessly with the things you find in the House. It’s not really your stuff; it’s magical duplicates. But it is all the comforts of home. Using stuff in the House will not deplete your possessions in the real world.

There’s climate control. There are also nice windows that can be opened. You know, if that’s your thing.

You never have to clean the House. It just stays nice. I mean, if you spill something you’ll want to wipe it up or whatever. But for the most part, the House just doesn’t get gungy like regular places.

You can go outside the House. There are extensive grounds. You can wander around all you want, and you will never find a boundary edge. Outside the House, it is whatever season it was in the real world when and where you cast the spell. (More on this later.) The wilderness and geography matches that of the area you were in when you cast the spell. There are a variety of hiking opportunities, beginner to advanced. There is climate-appropriate outdoor gear in the House. You can’t control the weather, but it usually works out okay without you having to worry about it much. It is impossible to get lost in the grounds. You are able to maintain your sense of direction effortlessly. To the point you don’t even think about it.

There is a body of water in view of the House. Could be a pond, a lake, a sea, the ocean. It’s gonna depend on your tastes. Both the sunrise and the sunset are reflected in the body of water as seen from the House. What I mean is, the sun rises and sets at the same point on the horizon. It comes up in the morning, climbs to noon, tracks a circuit around the sky, and sets back down where it rose from. So you can see both the sunrise and the sunset over the water, if you are so inclined.

There are no pests and no biting insects. There are animals, but they won’t bother you. Even if you go up and try to engage them, they’ll just run away. Unless you wanna play Snow White, in which case the birds and friendly herbivores will hang out with you.

There’s a porch. It’s not screened in, but there aren’t many bugs so it mostly doesn’t matter. The body of water (and sunrise/sunset) is visible from the porch. There’s nice patio furniture that doesn’t stay wet if it rains.

There is a small barn behind the House, in which can be found anything you seek. So if for some reason you need something that isn’t in the House already, you can rummage around in the barn until you find it. Depending on what it is, it may take some digging. Simple things like, I don’t know, bubble wrap, you can find pretty quickly. If you need a DeLorean, you’re gonna be searching for a while. You might run out of time before you find it, honestly.

There can be computers, if you want, but there’s no internet. How would that even work? You’re in an extradimensional space outside of the world, and the world’s on pause. So yeah, no internet. But you can have your computer with you in the House, and you can do anything you can do with a computer without internet. Me personally, I’d be writing in my diary.

If you get lonely, you can reach out to people and pets you love and ask them to join you in the House. You think about the person or animal, reach out with your feelings, and there’s a nonverbal connection and the invitation is made. If they agree, they will show up somewhere, usually the bed, usually unconscious, and then you can wake them up and hang out or whatever. If they don’t agree, they will go on about their day and have no awareness that they have been queried. You can invite multiple people, too. You can almost certainly find air mattresses or stuff in the barn to accommodate additional visitors. I mean, if you run out of room on the Alaska king.

When you bring other people in, the House will not magically alter itself to suit them, but it will accommodate their living needs. Dietary stuff in the kitchen may get augmented, for example. More shelf space in the bathroom, possibly. Maybe more closet space. But overall, the House will change as little as possible from how it first appeared to the person who cast the spell. It is still very much that person’s space. That person is referred to as the “host”, and everyone else are the “guests”.

There is cell service in the House, but only amongst the current residents of the House. So you can call or text the people staying with you, but you can’t reach any other people or numbers. And again, no internet.

You can spend up to a year in the House. In that time, you won’t get any older. You won’t get sicker, but your health can improve. If you stay long enough, the seasons will change to match what they would be doing if you were spending time on Earth. Sunset and sunrise times also change to match those on Earth at the location where you cast the spell.

How do you leave the House? At some point, you will decide you’re ready to go back home. If for no other reason than your year is up. (If you weren’t keeping track, the House will make you aware of when your last day will be.) The next time you sleep after making this decision, you will have a dream that you are back in the situation you were in before you cast the spell. You are reminded of all the details of what you are doing, etc. Then you don’t wake up from that dream. It just becomes your life again, and your real life continues. All benefits you gained from your time off are retained as you go forward refreshed and ready for life.

Everyone doesn’t have to leave the House at the same time, but if the host leaves the House, so does everyone in it.

Once you’re back in the real world, you can’t cast the spell again until a number of days has passed. That number is equal to the number of days you just spent in the House. So if you were in the House for ten days, you can’t cast the spell until at least ten days have passed. If you stay the full year, it’ll be a year before you can get in the House again. Basically, each day spent in any House (no matter if you’re the host or a guest) must be paid for in time spent on Earth before you can go back to any House.

The spell is tied to Earth and Sol. If you are not on Earth, the spell has no effect. Other versions of the spell could theoretically be created for other planets around other stars, and those would have a time limit of one revolution around their star. Not an Earth year.

About the Magic

Wand of Biopsy and Extraction

Wand of Biopsy and Extraction
Wand of B/E for short
Item
This is a wand that was created by Dr. Jennifer Hartmann Wallace, the famous artificer and surgeon. It is based on the Wand of Hysterectomy (Wand of H for short). As the Wand of H is heavily referenced in this write-up, it is recommended that you familiarize yourself with the Wand of H before continuing.

Dr. Wallace was always intrigued by the Wand of H, and she wondered if she could expand its powers and flexibility as a medical tool. Turns out she totally could do that. She researched and developed the Wand of B/E over a period of about 15 years. The fruits of her efforts took the medical world by storm in January 1983. Today you’d be hard pressed to find a hospital that doesn’t have at least a few Wands of B/E.

So what does it do? Well, it allows a competent surgeon to explore the patient’s interior and shrink away organs, tumors, bones, masses, whatever. This allows for completely clean extractions of pretty much anything the surgeon wants to extract. Biopsies can be taken during this process; they are immediately teleported to a location the surgeon specifies. Preferably there will be specimen jars or something available. Otherwise, things can get messy and gross.

Right, so it would be super easy to kill someone with this wand, right? Just extract their brain. To mitigate this risk, the Wand of B/E has a consent clause that works exactly the same way as that of the Wand of H. And unlike the Wand of H, a Wand of B/E was never created without the consent clause. Furthermore, you have to be a licensed surgeon to be allowed to use a Wand of B/E.

How else does the Wand of B/E differ from the Wand of H?

1) The Wand of B/E is typically made of stainless steel instead of elm or other wood.

2) The Wand of B/E’s ray is blue-green, rather than the Wand of H’s azure ray.

3) The Wand of H’s effects can be reversed with a regimen of potions and rituals, while the Wand of B/E’s effects are irreversible. So don’t fuck up, right? Much like mundane surgery.

4) You can’t play “yo yo organs” with the Wand of B/E. Once the surgeon makes the decision to biopsy or extract something, it shrinks and continues to shrink until it is gone, even if the wand is pointed away, and even if the surgeon instantly changes their mind. Once you “pull the trigger”, so to speak, there are no take-backs.

Where do the things extracted by the Wand of B/E and the Wand of H go? They don’t go anywhere. It’s magic. The material simply bleeds into the magical fabric of the multiverse, no fuss no muss. You really don’t need to be worrying about this.

About the Magic

Bracers of Cookery

Bracers of Cookery
Item
This is a pair of bracers. (Bracers are protective armbands worn on the forearms.) The wearer of the Bracers of Cookery has the knowledge and skills of an accomplished chef. This knowledge is forgotten when the bracers are removed, presumably after the cooking is done. The wearer retains their normal, non-magical cooking abilities when not wearing the bracers.

About the Magic

Hanky of Expulsion

Hanky of Expulsion
Item
This is a white handkerchief with a thin pink border. Use it whenever you feel like you are going to vomit. Place the hanky over your mouth and breathe. In a few moments, you will feel the unpleasant sensations of imminent vomiting fade away. The offending contents of your stomach that presumably triggered the vomiting response are simply dematerialized, and the stomach is soothed to a state of calm once more. The hanky can be applied any number of times. Assuming you keep it near to hand, you will never be troubled by vomiting (or clean-up) ever again.

About the Magic

Shot Box

Shot Box
Item
This is a small wooden box, usually cubical, 2-3 inches on a side. Usually carved or decorated in some fashion. There is a hinged lid on the top. Also included is a cloth armband, usually marked in some way to indicate that it goes with the box.

How it works is, you put on the armband. Then, when you open the box, you will see a smooth patch of skin that matches that of the wearer of the armband. Shots, as in medical injections, can be administered to the skin in the Shot Box, and the beneficial effects of the shot will be felt by the person wearing the armband, while all negative side effects are eliminated. As is the discomfort of the jab itself, obviously.

The Shot Box can also be used to draw blood for lab work or whatever. The nurse just sticks the Shot Box instead of your arm, allowing blood to be drawn without any discomfort whatsoever.

I know some of you will be curious. If you open the Shot Box when no-one is wearing the armband, it just appears to be an empty wooden box. This illusion will persist until such time as the Shot Box is opened while someone is wearing the armband. The “empty” box can be used to store the armband when not in use.

About the Magic

Potion of Exam Poise (PEP)

Potion of Exam Poise (PEP)
Potion
Quaff this potion before taking an exam. You will remain calm during the exam, and you will not experience anxiety, jitters, nervousness, or any kind of uneasiness in response to the exam. You will find that you are clear-headed and able to bring your knowledge and study to bear in the task before you. A PEP does not guarantee a good grade on the test, but it allows you to complete your exam in a state of emotional serenity, your thought processes unencumbered by test anxiety or whatever. You will remain cool, calm, and collected while you complete your exam.

When the potion wears off, after about five hours, you will experience some drowsiness. Many users factor in time for a nap when planning their exam days. An hour nap is usually sufficient to get you feeling back to normal.

If for some horrendous reason you’re taking an exam that lasts longer than five hours, you can simply take another PEP. As long as you don’t wait too long between doses, the drowsy period will be delayed until there is no more PEP in your system.

Schools are generally tolerant when it comes to PEPs. There was a Congressional hearing in the 80s about it, and they were ruled to not be performance enhancing, but rather just a removal of certain symptoms. Analogous to an NSAID. Advil isn’t gonna make you smarter, and neither is a PEP.

About the Magic