This is a hammer, a mallet, really, with cartoonish dimensions and proportions. In use, it is no more heavy and unwieldy than a gavel. You use it to smash things. The sound it makes is, “Blam!” Whatever it hits is destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces. Unless that something is alive, in which case it deals damage like a “normal” big-ass mallet. This will probably still kill whatever it is, but it won’t be destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces.
The Blam Hammer will never accidentally destroy something you don’t want destroyed. So if you’re aiming for the priceless figurine and accidentally hit your phone instead, it’ll be okay. Well, I mean, it won’t be destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces. The hammer might still damage whatever it hits. In the case of your phone, damage seems likely. But the Blam Hammer will only blam something if you want it to.
Drinking this potion has the same consequences as having a peaceful night of uninterrupted slumber. You drink the potion, wait about a minute or so, and then you will feel as refreshed as if you had just gotten up from a perfect night’s sleep.
You can’t use Bottled Sleep indefinitely, though. If you don’t get some real, non-magical sleep, the potion eventually stops working. With regular sleep, you can get back to the point where the potion is effective again.
While wearing this necklace, you will not suffer any negative side effects from any drug, legal or illegal. Do all you want of whatever it is. You get all the desirable effects but none of the bad stuff.
Gurgi’s Credit Card
This is a nondescript credit card. It works just like a credit card, except you don’t accrue debt. The money just comes from somewhere and satisfies the systems, so you get to get your merchandise or services or whatever, they get their money, and you needn’t worry about a bill, or anybody coming after you. Needless to say, there’s no credit limit.
Gurgi’s Tissue Box
This is what appears to be a normal tissue box. Aside from the fact that it’s made of wood, not cardboard. It’s the kind with the tissue popping up out of a hole in the top of the box. You pull out a tissue, and another pops out and is all grabbable and shit. Two things about Gurgi’s Tissue Box: 1) it never runs out of tissue, and 2) the tissue delivery mechanism never fails. So you never have to reach into the tissue box to try to restart the thing.
When you cast this spell, a small rift appears through which facial tissues are endlessly dispensed as needed. The rift can appear wherever you specify when casting. Could be on an object or a terrain feature, or it could just be in midair. When no tissue has been pulled for a minute, the rift closes up, leaving no trace. But it can always be cast again. You can only ever have one active tissue rift.
This is a quill pen. It is all blinged as fuck, sparkling as it is turned this way and that. What you do is, you put all the materials needed to do your homework on a table or flat(ish) surface of some kind. Then you put the quill down on the table, utter the incantation, and the quill does the homework in your handwriting. Books, papers, the quill itself, all move magically to get the shit done. Put on your best Harry Potter glasses. That’s the vibe we’re going for.
It takes the quill the same amount of time it would take you to do the homework yourself. So you need to allow for that when you determine when you’re going to have the quill do the homework. Also, you get the benefits of doing the homework. That is, any improvements that would happen if you did the homework still pass to you if you use the quill.
You do not need to be present for the quill to do its thing. So you can set it to work and come back later when it’s all done.
I can instantaneously disappear and reappear in a new location of my choosing. My personal effects like clothing and things I’m carrying (such as luggage) go with me. People and animals who are touching me go with me. There are no fuck-ups, so I won’t ever get teleported into solid rock or another person or something. It just works.
I or a target can move around in all directions with perfect maneuverability, as fast as they can run. This movement is effortless. Effect lasts until dismissed by the target, or until the target dies, whichever comes first.
Mug of Reconciliation
A sturdy stainless steel mug with two handles, one on either side. It has a sort of scuffed and dinged-up look to it. Two people grasp the handles, each of them says “Share.” These utterances don’t have to be said at exactly the same time, but they must be said while both people are willingly holding the mug. Anyway, at some point, the “Shares” will be uttered, and at that moment, each person holding the mug instantaneously knows and understands the other’s point of view. It’s like a point of view gun*, except no aiming, and consent required.
*The point of view gun is a gun that shoots your point of view at others, who are forced to see things from it. It’s a plot device from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie with Martin Freeman.
Oh, and nobody gets embarrassed by revealing personal shit accidentally. It’s magic. It just works.
Turntable of Elegant Sufficiency
This is a magical turntable. It is similar to most modern automatic turntables, except it is a very bare bones design. Few bells and whistles, as none are needed. No wires go in or out of it. It requires no electricity, amp, or speakers; you can simply put on a record, hit the button, and the turntable engages, producing sound that pleasantly fills the room. (Volume may be adjusted by a knob on the unit.) It never skips, and even records that are dirty or damaged (scratches, wear and tear, cracks, etc.) play flawlessly, as though it were their first play. The turntable automatically adjusts the speed of the rotation appropriately for 45, 78, and 33 1/3 RPM records. Unlike a mundane turntable, the Turntable of Elegant Sufficiency does not degrade the quality of the records over time. It requires no maintenance and won’t break down in any way.
This is a round slab about an inch thick and six inches in diameter. Any rechargeable device that is set on the slab and left for a minute will be 100% charged, and the battery will be optimized for maximum lifespan. Nothing bad happens if you leave the device on the charger for longer than a minute.