Happy Halloween!

I’ve got this mask that goes well with my beard, and I thought I’d post a selfie. You’re welcome. Oh, and of course, happy Halloween! ‘Tis the season that is upon us. Let’s hope it rains candy corn this year. I’m going to get some when I go to the store tomorrow. Looking forward to that. Hope the coming days are splendid for you. That’s some beard, though, huh?

Baron Silas Greenback’s Multi-step plans for world domination

These are Dangermouse episodes. From the 80s. Nickelodeon. You know. Baron Greenback was the villain on that show, and he was always coming up with plans to take over the world. Plans which hilariously fail to stand up to scrutiny. Enough blabber. To the plans!

Lord of the Bungle
1. Turn all the elephants of the world into sugarcubes that will revert back to elephant form when moistened.
2. Put elephant cubes in the sugar bowls of all world leaders.
3. ???
4. Rule the world!

Chicken Run
1. Steal super-duper growth serum.
2. Create giant chickens whose eggs are normal sized.
3. Deliver the eggs to every doorstep with the morning milk.
4. Hatch eggs, unleashing superchicks on an unsuspecting public.
5. ???
6. Rule the world!

Ice Station Camel
1. Install a set of brakes on the north pole to stop the Earth’s rotation.
2. ???
3. Rule the world!

Die Laughing
1. Incapacitate the world’s leaders through use of gas that makes them laugh uncontrollably.
2. Unleash the deadly laughing gas on the world at large.
3. ???
4. Rule the world!

Custard
1. Drown the entire planet in instant custard.
2. Retreat to the moon.
3. ???
4. Rule the world!

Random Song Lyrics

“A Bite of That” as recorded by the Numb Chucks

If I handed you a dollar, would you
If I impersonated an octopus, would you

Would you, would you, oh
Would you, would you

If I started collecting vintage bell-bottoms, would you
If I took out an ad in the local paper that said, “Take this to the spinach plantation,” would you

Would you, would you, oh
Would you, would you
Would you give me a bite of that?

Choosing Rhymes

Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish. How many pieces do you wish?

Engine engine number nine, going down Chicago line. If the train should jump the track, do you want your money back?

My mother and your mother were hanging out clothes. My mother punched your mother right in the nose. What color was the blood?

These are all childhood rhymes. When you play a game like hide and seek, somebody has to be “it”. So everyone sticks a hand in, in a circle, and one person does a rhyme, tapping around the circle of hands to the meter of the rhyme, and then at the end of the rhyme, the last person tapped is given a choice to make or a question to answer.

The choice is made, and then the caller reacts to the choice by tapping around the circle and saying some more stuff, which ultimately ends on one person’s hand, who is “it”, or not, depending on what the caller says. Here’s an example of the full version.

My mother and your mother were hanging out clothes. My mother punched your mother right in the nose. What color was the blood? Red? R – E – D spells “red” and you are not “it” for this game of hide and go seek.

So with the choice made, each letter and word is a hand tap, right, and you go around the circle in rhythm. Whoever they ended on would be not “it”, and would drop out of the circle. And then another rhyme would be called out, either by the same caller or a different caller. And another player would be eliminated from the circle, and so on until there’s just one left.

You collected these rhymes the more you played with other kids and heard new ones. If you knew a rhyme that nobody else in your group knew, that was your chance to shine.

Numbers were interesting. Like the bubblegum dish calls for a number from whoever it lands on. The caller has the option of counting the number out, or spelling the number. Obviously, the system is pretty flexible and ripe for abuse.

With a big group it would take awhile to whittle it down to the one person who ends up being “it”. It was a game before the game. I always liked that. I can only remember it being done before tag or hide and seek, but we may have used it for other games.

I wonder how widespread this practice was. Is? Could it still be going on? I suppose it must be. But I haven’t done it in a long-ass time.

The BP Secret

Not a lotta people know what BP actually stands for. As in the gas station. The common misconception is that it stands for British Petroleum. That’s what the company will tell anyone who asks. But I know the secret. Believe it or not, BP stands for Butt Punch.

So, just to be clear, this isn’t referring to an act of punching a butt. Instead it’s referring to punch — the party drink. Served in a bowl with a ladle. BP’s punch is a special punch made from butts. It’s actually what’s in their tanks. When you go to BP, you’re not pumping gasoline into your car, but butt punch. It’s an alternative fuel. A really good one. And BP has cornered the market. They have all kinds of patents for their butt punch, and the formula, and exactly how it is made, are closely guarded secrets.

So now you know.

Titanic

There’s a trend I’m noticing where it’s cool to point out that there was room on the door for Jack as well as Rose. See, the thing is, there’s a moment in the movie where Jack tries to get on the door and it sinks. There’s room on the door for Jack, sure, but it isn’t buoyant enough to hold them both up out of the water, which is crucial to survival. They can’t both survive if they both stay with the door, and if they both get on the door, they both die. At which point Jack shoulda been, “Okay, I’m going to leave you now and try to not die, hopefully we can rejoin each other once we get out of the water. I love you.” And then he goes and finds another door, and he lives and they are reunited on land, in America, and have a life together. That woulda been pretty okay. But no, he decides to stay with Rose, to sacrifice his life so that she won’t have to be alone until a couple minutes from now, as opposed to being alone right now with a chance he might live. I don’t know.