Anybody with any exposure to D&D is familiar with the magic items in that game. Some items confer mechanical benefits, and others are more esoteric. There have been thousands and thousands of them created over the decades of the game’s existence. Rings, amulets, crowns, weapons, armor, clothing, rocks, figurines — virtually anything can be a magic item, and magic items can do virtually anything. Provided they maintain the balance of play.

I love D&D magic items. I love imagining what it would be like to possess one. I love the variety of items and effects. And I love the descriptions. The descriptions have to be carefully worded so as to avoid being exploited by abusive players to break the game. Basically, any contingency you can think of has to be addressed in the item description. This results in a certain style of prose that is distinctive and entertaining to me.

So I figured, what if magic were a real thing in modern times? What would modern day magic items be like? What would they do? If I could make magic items, what would I create? So I got to work, making up nifty items and spells that I would like to have, or that friends of mine requested. And I wrote the descriptions in that contingency-covering style that amuses me so.

All these spells and magic items execute flawlessly, meaning that nothing goes wrong. It’s magic. It just works. The ones that I have published are listed below. Enjoy. I certainly did.

Anti-Side-Effect Necklace
Belt of Warding
Birth Control Ring
Blam Hammer
Blindfold of Seeing
Bottled Sleep
Bracelet of Menstrual Elimination
Bracers of Cookery
Bralette of Satisfactory Support
Caring Pot
Clean Dwelling
Cleanse Person
Convenience Juice
Corrected Vision
Cuddle Buddy
Dimming Ritual
Disco Ball
Dishrag
Disk of Force
Elixir of Health
Flying Backpack of Love
Gurgi’s Credit Card
Gurgi’s Tissue Box
Handle
Hanky of Expulsion
Happy Pills
Homework Quill
Laundry Conveyor
Levitate
Magic Snow Shovel
Mailbox Filter
Mouthwash of Dentistry
Mug of Reconciliation
Nose Ring of Governmental Facility
Olfactory Pot
Oral Cleanse
Pain Shower
Pebble of Sustenance
Pocket Car
Potion of Exam Poise (PEP)
Shot Box
Sleeping Powder
Sting Salve
Teleport
Tend Grounds
Thermostat Pot
Time Out
Tissue Rift
Turn Signal Lever of Opportunity
Turntable of Elegant Sufficiency
Universal Charger
Wand of Biopsy and Extraction
Wand of Hysterectomy