Clean Dwelling

Clean Dwelling
Spell
This spell magically cleans a house, apartment, room, living area. Sweep, dust, tidy, scrub, air out, etc. Get everything neat, clean, and sparkly. Not literally sparkly, you know what I mean. Also cleans everything in the house. Laundry, bedding, dishes, furnishings, appliances, windows, window treatments, pet cages/litter boxes, fireplace, closets, basement, attic. All that and more. Note, however, that only the interior is cleaned. You’ll need to use another method to clean the exterior of the dwelling.

Sleeping Powder

Sleeping Powder
Item
Sprinkle a pinch or two of this forest green powder over your bed before you get in it to sleep. Provided you can get to sleep, your sleep will be fully and completely rejuvenating. Upon awaking, you will feel incredibly well rested and ready to take on the ensuing period of awakeness. “Lie down in sleeping powder, stand up a new person,” is the saying. You don’t have to sleep very long to reap the benefits of the sleeping powder. Provided you sleep at least 15 minutes or so, you’ll get the full effects.

Sleeping powder can be used to “reset” acquired immunity to Bottled Sleep.

Caring Pot

Caring Pot
Body modification
First things first: “Pot” is short for potentiometer. Which is basically a volume knob. The Caring Pot is a volume knob for your feelings. It is a potentiometer that gets fused with your body. Little knob sticking out that you can turn. When the pot is first installed, you decide where on your body it goes. A popular choice is behind the left ear. Once installed, the Caring Pot works and can be used immediately.

What it does. So, when you think about a concept, you can use the Caring Pot to increase or decrease the degree to which you care about that concept. You can do this for any number of concepts. The Caring Pot allows you to effectively manage your feelings without all the messy thinking and knowing.

Many people opt to have a Caring Pot installed after a bad breakup.

What Happens to the French Taunters?

So here’s the question. What happens to the French Taunters after the cameras go off in Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Do they get arrested with everybody else? Are they rounded up? If so, how do the cops overcome the taunting? Of course, all those cops seemed breathtakingly adept at “I’m not taking any of your shit”, didn’t they? Maybe they would have just sliced right through the taunting, where Arthur and his knights were totally bamboozled by it.

The thing is, Arthur and his knights, in the scope of the fiction, were formidable opponents. Just look what happened to the Black Knight. But then the cops seemingly effortlessly neutralize Arthur and his Knights completely. They must have done the same with the French Taunters, who would only have accrued further citations for hurling objects at officers of the law. “You’re only making it worse for yourself, buddy,” as the Taunter puts a turd in the cop’s eye. I don’t know why the cop is from America, but I don’t really know how British cops talk, beyond, “What’s all this then?”

And that’s the story of what happened to the French Taunters. Part of it, anyway.

I imagine some of the Taunters went into paddy wagons with some of the Britons. I wonder how that went. Maybe the Taunters explained their taunting deal sufficiently to get the Britons to forgive them about the cow and the poop and stuff. Maybe they have a really good reason for taunting. Maybe it’s a net positive for the universe. The Britons are reasonable men. Or no, probably not. Anyway I digress. So the Britons and the French Taunters team up to escape the paddy wagons. With their combined talents, they have the power to vanquish even the mighty cops, who vanquished each of them separately, but never together.

After the cops have been defeated, the head Taunter reveals that they didn’t actually have the Grail, so Arthur has everybody fan out and search. It’s gotta be around here somewhere, right? The search continues to this day.

But the thing is, the Taunter was taunting when he said they didn’t have it. It’s in the castle in a dresser drawer in the master bedroom. No wait, it’s in the deepest corner of the lowest dungeon in a box of wood shavings. I mean no, it’s in a cabinet in the attic. There’s a line of built-in cabinets on the long wall of the attic. As you face the wall, the Grail is in the eighth cabinet from the right.

The Preferred Third

An author writes a trilogy. The third book is kind of a letdown. So a couple years later, the author comes out with a fourth book in the same trilogy, which acts as a new third book and completely replaces the original third book. Thing is, it’s totally different, even though it uses all the same setup from the first two books. Seriously, it’s amazing how well everything fits. You honestly can’t tell that the first two books weren’t written to be followed by the fourth book.

The fourth book is very popular, and lauded as the proper ending for the trilogy. That’s because it is a much better book than the third book. When the trilogy goes to mass market paperback, the four books get a box set. The standard accepted reading order is, one, two, four, then three if you feel like it, but you don’t need to. So the spines on the box set, the third book’s spine is the cleanest and least marked on most people’s sets, ’cause it gets read the least. How about that?

The fourth book comes to be known as the preferred third book.

So, was it a stunt by the author to generate publicity, or was it an honest, “I can do better, dammit” kind of thing?

The Parable of the Flower

There’s a flower. It is remarkably beautiful, its petals glow and it seems always to be sprinkled in dew that twinkles like diamonds. It is delicate and robust at the same time, and its beauty is cleansing.

There’s a group of people gathered around the flower. They admire and love the flower with full and open hearts, recklessly, and their lives are full of love and serenity and joy. In their love for the flower, they also love each other and take delight in one another’s company.

Then one day, the flower falls ill. It begins to wilt, and its petals drop to the ground one by one. Ice slivers of fear puncture the internal organs of the lovers of the flower, and a storm of grief gathers in anticipatory inevitability. The people do everything they can to try and save the flower, and they cling to one another desperately as they pour out care upon the ailing bloom.

Despite all of their efforts, the flower dies. A toxic grief settles itself in the entrails of each of the people who loved and cared for the flower. The root of their love gone, they are cut loose from one another. They can no longer stand to be together; the memory and the grief are too much. They are torn apart and scattered to the winds.

Blam Hammer

Blam Hammer
Item
This is a hammer, a mallet, really, with cartoonish dimensions and proportions. In use, it is no more heavy and unwieldy than a gavel. You use it to smash things. The sound it makes is, “Blam!” Whatever it hits is destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces. Unless that something is alive, in which case it deals damage like a “normal” big-ass mallet. This will probably still kill whatever it is, but it won’t be destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces.

The Blam Hammer will never accidentally destroy something you don’t want destroyed. So if you’re aiming for the priceless figurine and accidentally hit your phone instead, it’ll be okay. Well, I mean, it won’t be destroyed utterly, smashed into tiny pieces. The hammer might still damage whatever it hits. In the case of your phone, damage seems likely. But the Blam Hammer will only blam something if you want it to.

“New” Quote

For the first time in over five years, I have put a new quote at the top of the Quotes list. It’s not really new though, because it was already on the list. I just moved it up to the top of the list and said it was new. The thing is, I have no compunctions against putting quotes I love into the faces of anybody who looks my way. ‘Cause they’re so cool. Quotes in general, but my list in particular.

This “new” quote was on the very first quotes page I ever did, back in the old SimplePhrase days. And I just felt like drawing attention to it again. It’s been a long time since it was at the top of the list. Some people might not be familiar with it. Seems likely, actually. So go read the quote, and read the ones after it too if you feel like a good quotes list. You can click the link in the previous paragraph to get to it, or you should be able to use site navigation to get there as well. Poke around the page and click where it says, “Quotes”.

Bottled Sleep

Bottled Sleep
Potion
Drinking this potion has the same consequences as having a peaceful night of uninterrupted slumber. You drink the potion, wait about a minute or so, and then you will feel as refreshed as if you had just gotten up from a perfect night’s sleep.

You can’t use Bottled Sleep indefinitely, though. If you don’t get some real, non-magical sleep, the potion eventually stops working. With regular sleep, you can get back to the point where the potion is effective again.

Three Million Words

That’s sung the same way you’d sing “Five gold rings” from “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. In case you were wondering.

That’s right, I have now written three million words in my diary. Took almost exactly 11 years to do it, so I’m not very fast. But I am prolific.

So what does it mean? It means this is a world class diary I’m working on here. It is noteworthy. So that’s kinda cool. My plan going forward is to continue to write every day. Gotta get to four million, don’tcha know.