It’s coming.
“Summertime Rolls” by Jane’s Addiction, from _Nothing’s Shocking_ (1988)
Disk of Force
Disk of Force
Spell
Cast this spell, and a force field appears. It is disk-shaped, a circle a meter in diameter and an inch or so thick. The disk appears translucent, kinda milky and cloudy. It can be positioned and oriented in any way the caster see fit. It’ll stop bullets, is immovable if the caster wills it to be so (a backhoe or equivalent can shift it), and when oriented horizontally it can carry stuff, including people. Weight limit is one ton. The caster can cause the disk to move by concentrating a little bit, but it can’t move very fast. Only about as fast as a slow walk. The Disk of Force stays around until it is dismissed by the caster, or until the caster dies. It disappears if it ever is more than a hundred yards from the caster. You can only ever have one at a time.
Turn Signal Lever of Opportunity
Turn Signal Lever of Opportunity
Charm
Cast this charm on the turn signal lever of your car. When properly cast, the turn signal lever will take on a faint glimmering which can be easily detected if you look closely, but isn’t distracting. Henceforward, provided you use your turn signal for every turn, and provided you stop and look like a normal driver, you will never have to wait for an opening to turn. Like, say, out of a driveway, parking lot, or side street. There will be an opening every time, right away.
However, if you ever should make a turn and fail to use your turn signal, the charm is dispelled. You’ll know because it’ll stop glimmering. The charm may be recast on the same turn signal lever any number of times. The thing is, unless you’re a magic user, you’ll have to pay somebody to do the charm for you, and that isn’t cheap. A turn signal charm will usually set you back about $350. I don’t know why they cost that much; I’m not a magic user. I can just tell you what they charge.
Convenience Juice
Convenience Juice
Item
This is like a juice box except it’s thinner, so it can slide into a pocket easily, and the straw is built-in and never leaks. It appears to be made of some kind of cardboard, just like its mundane counterparts, but Convenience Juice is much more durable and resistant to damage. You’ll have a hell of a time cutting into the thing, for example, and even if you do, it won’t leak. Liquid only ever comes out of the straw, and only then if it’s going into a living human mouth.
Furthermore, it never runs out of juice. Further furthermore, the juice is whatever flavor you want. Apple, orange, grape, etc. Whatever you feel like, you can mentally request it before you put your mouth on the straw, and then that flavor of juice will be dispensed to you. It has to be fruit juice. It won’t dispense anything else.
The first Convenience Juices were limited, in that they would only dispense so much juice in a 24-hour period. These were (and still are) generally geared towards children, so they don’t make themselves sick drinking too much juice. Later, versions for adults were created that removed the limit.
Convenience Juice was invented in 1980 by Jane Gross, a kindergarten teacher and amateur artificer. It was a rare case of a magic item developed by an amateur that became popular worldwide, particularly in the education industry.
Bralette of Satisfactory Support
Bralette of Satisfactory Support
Item
This is a bralette. It can be any style, any material. The enchantment can be placed on any bralette, so consequently, the Bralette of Satisfactory Support can look like any bralette.
The Bralette of Satisfactory Support, when worn, holds the breasts gently but firmly in place without uncomfortably compressing them or pushing them into an awkward configuration. A person with breasts who wears the Bralette of Satisfactory Support will never experience breast discomfort as a result of movement, regardless of how fast or vigorous the movement.
As with all magical garments (and most magic items, for that matter), the Bralette of Satisfactory Support will not wear out under normal use, but it can be deliberately destroyed.
Culture 34
Sixteen, I fell in love with a girl as sweet as could be
It only took a couple of days till she was rid of me
She swore that she would be all mine and love me till the end
But when I whispered in her ear, I lost another friend
— Led Zeppelin, “Good Times Bad Times” from the album Led Zeppelin I (1969).
Culture 33
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering
You’re there crying, I feel not a thing
Drilling my way deeper in your head
Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead
— Alice In Chains, “Confusion” from the album Facelift (1990)
Lightsaber Options
People talk about what color they want their lightsaber to be. That’s too limiting. Me, I want a lava lamp lightsaber. It’s not actually a lava lamp, of course. It’s just, the blade has blobs in it of a specific color that contrasts with the base color of the blade. These blobs don’t seem to be affected by the momentum of the blade as it is wielded. They simply travel languidly from the hilt to the tip and back, squeezing past each other, combining, splitting apart, etc. You know. The whole lava lamp thing. As a result of this, and to make room, my blade has a bigger diameter than your average lightsaber. This has no effect on the function.
So yeah. I have a lava lamp lightsaber. The question remains, what color? The blade is green, and the blobs are shiny black.
Man, now I want that lava lamp.
Or how about a snow globe lightsaber? For this one, the “snow” would be affected by the motion of the blade.
Rainbow lightsaber? Somebody would’ve had to have come up with a rainbow lightsaber. That’s pretty basic.
Nose Ring of Governmental Facility
Nose Ring of Governmental Facility
Item
When you wear this nose ring, any interactions you have with government officials of any kind will be positive. They will be favorably disposed towards you, polite, friendly, and they will generally believe what you tell them. They will be as helpful as they are able without breaking rules. (Sometimes, they’ll even break rules for you. Usually not big ones, though.) However, they won’t stick their necks out too far for you. The Nose Ring of Governmental Facility only goes so far. It won’t magically make everything go your way in your dealings with government officials, but the interactions will be friendly, and they will genuinely try to help you.
I Will Suppress My Every Urge
Man, I feel good! A nice contrast from the post-Christmas depression I was having. We’re getting into hypomania territory. I better try to rein it in. You can suppress happiness in the exact same way you suppress any other emotion, such as anger. No, suppress isn’t the right word. You feel the emotion, you honor the emotion, and then the emotion obeys your commands.
It only goes so far, of course. Some emotions are strong enough that you simply won’t be able to bring them to heel. Then you just hang on for the ride, and try to suppress any dangerous urges that come up.
There’s a scene in “The Tick vs. Dinosaur Neil”, s01e03 of The Tick (1994), where Arthur is asking the Tick to “tone it down”. “I will suppress my every urge,” Tick replies. I’ve always been impressed by that line. I don’t know, it just sticks in my head, so I turned it into a strategy for coping with untreated mental illness. Some may wonder how suppressing your every urge could be a positive thing. Basically, when all your urges are doo-doo, it’s good to be able to just lie there in a fetal position and not do harm. (Fetal position is optional for advanced practitioners.)
So it’s bipolar disorder, right? So it makes you sad, but it also makes happiness dangerous and bad for you. (Hypomania is not technically happiness, but it sure feels like it.) I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m just rambling. The whole bipolar thing is a bummer.
Ethan Abides 